i am NOTHING ... yet something

I have been slacking in the blog department and while some bloggers might apologize for this... I will just say that... this is me. My lack of blogging during this past season of my life is just a little insight into who I am... a little sketchy at times, but then I like to think that if Jesus was around the world might think him sketchy too.

The title of this blog pretty much sums up what I believe God has been teaching me. While it may sound like an oxymoron; because how in the world can someone be something and NOTHING all at the same time, I have come to find that it perfectly describes who I am. While walking with Jesus one thing that has become very evident to me is I am very full of  weakness, fear, and evil. In-fact if two things were placed in-front of me; one sinful and one righteous, in my human nature I am innately attracted to the sinful thing. This is why I say that I am NOTHING. However,  something that I have learned about God is that He is lacking nothing. There is not one thing that God is lacking. If God is LOVE, and .....
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 8 Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 
(and i am sure this only scratches the surface of who God is)
Then God is everything that I am not. 
For me at first this was quite a defeating concept ... I am nothing and God lacks nothing--- "Well then how am I ever going to get Him to want me and to Love me. I have nothing to offer Him and even if I did He wouldn't need it." But I think that is exactly Gods point...
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
 I can never ever earn the grace that God bestows on me. He gives me grace to be weak and when I submit to Him and linger in His presence.... realizing that all He wants from me is a relationship... that is when I become something. Not because of anything that I have done or anything that I am, but because of Christ in me. 
I will say that this is one thing that I think I will always be learning... the sufficiency of God's grace that makes my nothingness something. 

Growing in the between time.

Hello world. I am not sure if anyone actually reads this... but if you do... I am very sorry it has been so long since I have written. I would like to think that I would be good at this blogging thing due to my love for words; however, I also have a love for many other things which have, in recent days, taken precedence over this here blog. I am sure you are expecting me to update you on all that has happened during my seiesta from blogging ( which I will now refer to as "The between time"), but that is not really my style.  I am not really one for mindless chatter about things that have already happened, but for the sake of starting somewhere I will just say this. There was lots for growing during the between time.

Growth is a funny thing because it is gradual and it seems to happen when I least expect it. Often times it is hard to discern where growth is even happening until it has already happened. But no matter how or when growth is perceived it is inevitable. It is one thing that I can always count on. Because if you are not growing you are slowly doing the opposite. So here is what I would like to pose to you ... what type of growth are you experiencing or have experienced in the past months. Are you growing.....

Just like a tree ... you as a person are either growing and flourishing or withering away and dying. One or the other is happening... not both... never both.  So which are you?


7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
       whose confidence is in him.
 8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
       that sends out its roots by the stream.
       It does not fear when heat comes;
       its leaves are always green.
       It has no worries in a year of drought
       and never fails to bear fruit."
Jeremiah 17:7-8

Dear Aut,

     Well hello there friend! Thank you for writing to me on your blog and updating me on your fun times in a tourist town. I loved every second of it ! ( for those of you who read my blog that aren't Aut --- which I seriously doubt is anyone, but one can only wonder, click here to view Aut's letter to me !) I am glad to hear that you are enjoying your time where you are and that God is growing you in really cool ways.
     Hmmm... If I had to update you on my entire life at the moment in one word (which is enjoyable to me because it is a challenge and an adventure to try to find one word to describe something that would normally take a lifetime of words to explain) that word would be fearful. Although I would like to get on here and tell you all of the things that are going amazingly in my life in spite of my fear, I wouldn't be the candid person that I am if I did. So fearful it is. Yes, God is constantly working in spite of my fearful heart, praise Him for that!
     I am realizing (just about 10 mins ago to be exact ) that fear is a crippling emotion. It has seemed to unknowingly have creeped into most all of the aspects of my life. Fear is also funny because, although is it the root of what is going on it has a way of disguising itself with things like pride, depression, and a need to control. By doing this, I believe that fear gets away with much more than it ever should.
     I think that my fearful nature at this moment in my life is due the the lack of my believing in God's sovereignty (as you mentioned in your blog). I think it also has a good bit to do with the fact that I have allowed the evil one to distort my thoughts into something that resembles the thoughts of my old self that was buried with Christ ! So right now I am speaking out that I am a new creation in Christ Jesus ...The OLD is GONE and the NEW is HERE!
     And while breaking free of my fearful nature may be a journey ... it is one that I am willing to take ...

I miss you and I cant wait to see you! ( you like how I said that like A.I know when it was going to be and B. as if it were just around the corner --- because i believe both of those things to be true!)

Love,
Your Person


   

HOLY not happy...

The most PRECIOUS flower girl ever!
"I don't want to get married because I want to stay with my Mommy and Daddy all day long"
Ash and Greggles ( Bride and Groom)

My Sorority FAM
Nattie and Katty
Since I last posted much has happened! I was blessed to have the opportunity to sing in one of my dearest friend's wedding! What a blast it was! Everyone was very laid back and chill and even though none of the musicians (there were four of us) had ever sang/ played the song all together after a couple of times through the song we were good to go ! I think a lot of the "laidbackness" (yes, that is now a word)of the bride and groom had to do with the fact that they both love Jesus with all of their hearts and they knew that the day wasn't about anything but bringing him glory!
So I think that God has been teaching me something ever since this past weekend ( Well, most likely, he has been trying to teach it to me for much longer I am just beginning to listen.) that so often I make decisions or evaluate decision on how I feel rather than on who God IS! Now I am not sure if any of you know what I am talking about, and if you don't then go with me for a second.
I am not feeling God so I assume that he is far from me. I am not feeling like I am going to have the money to go to school so I begin to doubt and configure a plan to get the money. I am not feeling loved by a friend so I think that maybe it is time to walk away from that friendship. I am not feeling love by my man so I assume God has made me feel like that as a sign that it isn't going to workout. I am not feeling like I am enjoying my Job so I assume it is because it is time from me to quit. Have any of you felt this way and as a result made these assumptions?
If you just shook your head yes... then I am right there with you. But here is what God has been knocking into my head lately. (I say knocking because most of that time that is what it takes to get me to listen). That life is less about how I feel and more about who God is. That the circumstances of my life as a follower of The Lord were not put into motion to make me feel happy but rather to make me HOLY. I am pretty positive that making a choice based on who God is rather than what I feel is a good thing --- considering that my feelings change like the wind, while God's character is UNCHANGING!
So to end this post that probably doesn't make much sense to anyone but me ... I will say this. Life is about choices not feelings. If we are consulting the unchanging God of the UNIVERSE that cares about us on these choices that we are making --- HE will show up and make himself known, even if it doesn't necessarily make us feel good, happy, or comfortable when we are experiencing it.

This is the way I live !

So I am not sure if any of you are like this, but about every 6 months or so I get feeling like I need to change something. I get bored with the way that I am ... and I want  to do something new! This little instinct inside of me has resulted in me chopping my hair off really short, getting a tattoo, getting tons of layers, dying my hair ( with the stuff that says it washes out in like 30 washes but it never really does) and many other little random things. About a week ago I got the Itch again. This little itch was scratched yesterday by a nose piercing !!!! Yep folks ... my nose is pierced!

I arrived at the decision to pierce my nose after much thought. I didn't want to chop off my hair again because it is just now getting long! I didn't want to dye my hair because I am sure that one day I will NEED to dye my hair and I think I am going to keep it healthy until then. I couldn't get another tattoo because Mom would have cried and nobody wants to make there mommy cry. So... piercing my nose seemed like the best decision.It isn't permanent yet it is a nice little change.

After I decided I then had to call my Mimi and Bigdaddy ( my wonderful grandparents) and Mom to make sure that they would still claim me if I had a "hole in my face" (Mimi) . After much conversation, and many statements that were along the lines of : "Do you want people to think that you are Hindu"  "Who is gonna like you better with a hole in your face" and " Why do you need to do this? Can't you just paint your nails a crazy color." My wonderful Family all  told me that they loved me and that "a hole in my face" was not going to change my heart ! : )  They are great !

So a couple of hours later Lindsey (who was my moral support) went to the place ... and It is DONE !!! I know you are curious what it looks like so I will try to post some pictures soon ! For now ... If you are feeling an itch to do something different ---- scratch away my friend !!
“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”


Well today i was reading through some Dr. Suess quotes; which has become a habit of mine lately, and this one struck me. There is something so true about this quote.  If we as people were to live every day of our lives doing the same thing over and over with little to no "nonsense" I think we would be missing something. The is nothing like a little nonsense to make life interesting. Now I would not want any of you to confuse the type of nonsense that i am speaking of so let me describe to you what i think Dr. Suess and myself are referring to.


Nonsense ---- anything and everything that a child would think is fun, but we as adults have seemed to shrug off as immature or unneeded. Examples: frolicking through a field of flowers, playing in the bathtub, finger panting, dancing around the house with reckless abandonment, painting every finger nail a different color (just because you can), dressing in clothes that don't match, go all day with out looking at a clock ... 


This is my proposition to you ... embark on some... or all of this nonsense TODAY !!!  

Wedding Season


The bride!!! Kris
IT'S WEDDING SEASON!!!!

Well wedding season is officially here!!!  These are pictures (Both Pictures taken by Lindz ... to check her out go here)  from the wedding that I went to this weekend! This was my third wedding this spring! My brother T was married on March 20, and my brother from another mother, we will call him T2, was married March 27. Now stay with me for a second... because both the bride, Kris, (Pictured above) and the girl in the blue dress, Kels,( Pictured below)  are T2's sisters ... yes that is right T2 got married, now Kris got married and in only a few short months Kels will be married also !!!! Three weddings in one family in one year! God bless "Little Wendy Wonder" ( to figure out how she got that nickname go here )  and  M for being such wonderful parents! Anyways the wedding was beautiful and I was able to sing in it ... which was such a blessing !


My Kels

After the wedding it was back to the grind. Although, last night, I was able to hangout and catch up with some friends over some yummy Mexican food and fro yo!!! I love my friends and I am so blessed to have people in my life that show me the unconditional love of Jesus. It doesn't matter who doesn't call who or how long we go without talking we are always able to pick right back up where we left off ... and that is hard to come by. I always leave those friends feeling encouraged and excited for what God is doing and when he is going to do in my life ! So thank you friends ... you know who you are ... and you are a blessing !

Well that is about it for now ... I will leave you with a song that I love and i hope you will too !


"My Person"

Each one of you has someone in your life that just gets you --- I mean really GETS YOU  ... you know what I mean? They are the person that knows exactly what you are going to say before you say it, how you feel when you don't say it and they are surprised by the way that you act it any instance.  You don't have to explain yourself to this person because they get you! On Grey's Anatomy Yang and Grey have, over the years, developed a relationship like the one that i have described for you, and they like to call this relationship being someones "Person".

I have had quite a few "person's " in my life depending on the season, and I have to say that there is so much comfort in knowing that you have a person. I would say that "My Person" is Aut. She is Yang and I am Grey ( or vice versa: depending on our lives ** minus the promiscuity ). We have a no explanations needed policy! There are times when ones of us needs the other and they are there... no questions ask! There is also an honesty that comes along with being someones person. Truth can be spoken freely without defensiveness or hurt feelings because you know that "your person" has your best interest at heart!

Anyways, Aut dropped by for a short period of time this week and it couldn't have been better. As you saw in my last post there is a lot going on right now in my life, but these past few days it has been great to just be able to hangout and just BE with Aut... no talking about how I feel and why I feel that way ( unless of course i wanted to ), what i am doing in my life right now or any of the million other questions that people who don't know you so well ask you.

Aut left this morning and as I was thinking to myself how much i was going to miss her this summer while she is gone,  a thought came into my head ( blatantly obvious yet so sweetly put there by Jesus), I have a friend with me always that is more of a "person" than any person could ever be. He knows me better then I know myself and he is sovereign over my thoughts and words and life. I cant help but be comforted by that thought. Praise the Lord for his Son who died for my sin so that I would have a friend in the Lord and for the friends that help me along the way to eternity !  He is the man!


Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.


24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

REALLY?

Do you ever wake up in the morning and think to yourself... "Really, is this real life?" Well that is I woke up this morning to that statement rolling around in my head. This is will be my attempt at informing you why those words were my first thoughts this morning....

On Mother's Day my sweet superwoman of a mom took me to the hospital with kidney stones. Ugh -- I know right? If any of you have ever had kidney stones you know it is not fun at all! Well, the good news is that after a little rest and a lot of pain meds that stone (who I will form this point forward refer to as Fez --- thanks to my best friend) found a resting place that is not so painful. We are pretty sure that Fez has yet to leave me but for now, all is quite on the western front. Praise the Lord for that!

While I was recovering from the torture that Fez was putting me through ...I found out that my sweet Bana's, my grandmother, chemo was no longer successfully treating the cancer that had been attracting her body for the past months. For those of you who do not know my grandmother, she was one of the most active, helpful and loving women to see this earth. Just as my aunt Helen said--- She was one of the finest examples of a Proverbs 31 woman. After a couple of days in pain, the cancer that was trying to break her lost to a much more powerful force! Jesus Christ ushered my Bana in to heaven on Saturday morning and while we may cry for our loss here on earth, the trumpets are sounding and the angels are rejoicing in Heaven for its gain. If you are reading this (which is prob just my Mom, Aut and Matt at this point) then I would ask you to pray for my families continued strength in this situation.

Continuing on in my "really, is this real life?" explanation--- Last night after visiting with my Grandfather, Pa, with my best friend Aut, I returned home. Awaiting me at home was Mac, my dog, "squirting" (my mom's words for that was coming out of Mac's hinny) all over the place and unable to move his back legs! Mom was freaking out, but after some serious contemplation we figured out that Mac was not in pain and we would wait until the morning to take him to the vet. Mom and I and took Mac's bed to her room, spread out some towels and they went to sleep. At about 1:30A.M. Mom ran down the stairs holding Mac out saying "He is squirting all over the place" --- I am sorry I can’t help but laugh --- Lets all please take a second to picture my Mom, who was clearly sleeping mins prior to this, running down the stairs holding a "squirting" Yorkie straight out in front of her! It was quite a sight. After getting it all cleaned up we all went to bed. This finally brings me to my "really, is this real life?" moment this morning.

I wake up this morning to Mom holding Mac, whose legs are much better but hinny is still "squirting". Wait, hold it... that is not when the thought came --- it was directly after that when Mom proceeded to say in an agonizing voice...." I have a kidney stone"!!!! Yep, there it is! Cue "really, is this real life?" thought in my head.

I am not sure if you have had a day or a week or a month like this, but if you had I know how you would answer my question of, “Really, is this real life?" you would say to me exactly what I am saying to myself. Yes, yes it is real life but luckily this is not our home. So while all of these things seem so overwhelming and frightening right now... in light of eternity they are just things. So I leave you with two verses that Jesus is drilling into my worry filled head...



"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34



"...Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

and... GO.

I have loved looking at my friend's blogs in recent days and have found it interesting to get a little peek into their lives every once and a while. So with a push from my Best friend (who I like to call "my person" thanks to Grey's Anatomy).  I have decided to embark on this little adventure of letting you into the happenings of my life. So... here goes nothing--- or something rather.